Yay! It's December and it's absolutely freezing. I've got my massive jacket and a lovely pair of long johns though so everything is shiny. There's also plenty going on this week to keep your mind off the frost bite...
Drunk at Vogue: The Last Ever Party
Friday 1st December
Drunk at Vogue started all the way back in 2011 at Kraak, which was that weird place just next to the Police Museum on Newton Street that I regularly found myself in and wondering where the hell I was. 2011 was a magical time. Kate and William got married and we all got a day off, my mum finally managed to get her conservatory sorted, and 4 promoters got together to start a night that promised to be ‘Manhattan Chic with Mancunian Cheek’. All good things come to an end though and this last party promises to be a bit special (of course) and will even do something good – with a portion of ticket sales and collections on the night being donated to George House Trust, the Manchester charity which provides services to those living with / affected by HIV.
Absolute Bowie @ Manchester Academy
Saturday 2nd December, 7.30pm
Since he snuffed it in 2016, along with pretty much everyone else who ever had a hint of talent, the world has been a slightly less colourful and interesting place. Bowie was a legend and if anyone says any different I’ll knock them out and give them an Oldham Smudge. Although Absolute Bowie at Manchester Academy isn’t the real thing, it’s probably the closest you’ll get to the real thing nowadays – so my advice is to drink too many Cherry B’s, eat a Wimpy, get your glad rags on, and pretend it’s the 1970’s all over again. If he doesn’t do Young Americans – kick off.
Christmas Pug Cafe
Saturday 2nd December
One for my mate Jonny this. And his wife. And their pug Boris. Basically someone is going to turn up to LEAF on Portland Street with a truck full of pugs, unload them, scatter them around the cafe and let people come and stroke them and give them some attention while supping on a cup of coffee. At least that’s my understanding of it. I may be wrong. I just couldn’t be bothered reading their full FAQ on the site so I’ve embellished it a bit. Much like the rest of this article. If you like dogs though, it’s a winner. You’ll need to book a slot with them first though because it will probably be proper busy.
Saturday 2nd & Sunday 3rd December
It’s Steps everyone! I don’t need to sit here typing away trying to convince you to head on over to Manchester Arena to watch Claire, Faye, Lisa and those other ones that nobody remembers or cares about. They did all them top songs in the 90’s and they’ve now got a new album out, which I’ve not listened to and actually don’t intend to. Not because it’s rubbish, but because I don’t really listen to music anymore. It should be a great night to watch them on stage, especially when Claire sings and she does that thing with the top of her nose. Once you see it you can never un-see it.
The Edgeley Park Stadium Antiques & Collectors Fair
Sunday 3rd December
Home of the mighty Stockport County, and a Beer Festival that I used to go to and get leathered with my mate Mark Pentland, Edgeley Park is hosting an Antiques and Collectors Fair this weekend with over 80 stalls, a licensed bar and plenty of food – probably pie and chips. Here’s a few valuable things that you should keep an eye out for in case you want a bargain:
1. Donatello – Get a 1992 Turtles figure of Donatello (the best one) with all the pieces and you could earn yourself a pretty penny. These are going on EBay for around 79p so try and get one for less than that.
2. Natwest Pigs – Everyone knows about these pigs and if you see some of them, get involved. Preferably go for the full set and not just the baby – because everyone in the world has the baby one and it’s worth nothing.
3. Shoot Annual 1976 – not to be confused with the 1975 edition which was tripe. The 1976 issue featured some very tricky puzzles, a fantastic dot-to-dot and expertly written tips by football legend Stuart Barrowclough.
Christmas Bottomless Brunch at Another Heart To Feed
Sunday 3rd December, 2pm
Nothing says ‘It’s Christmas!’ better than getting too full of food and hating yourself for a couple of days after. Not even Noddy Holder. The best thing to do during these cold, dark days is un-buckle your belt and scoff your face until you fall asleep. You can always join the gym again in January and go to 2 sessions before never going again. Luckily Another Heart to Feed are starting a Christmas Bottomless Brunch this Sunday where for £35 you can tuck into one of their brilliant brunch dishes, drink as much Prosecco or beer as you like and even finish off with a cocktail and a mince pie. They’ll then be running it each Sunday until Christmas Day.
Another Heart To Feed, 77-79 Chapel St, Manchester, Salford M3 5BZ
Barklife presents Santa Paws!
Sunday 3rd December
Barklife. Excellent bit of work there from the pun department of whoever came up with this event. Santa Paws! They’ve knocked it out of the park again. Brilliant work. Perhaps get a CV handed in to The Sun?! Or perhaps not. This as I’m sure you’ve already guessed is a dog festival featuring all the top dog acts that you come to expect nowadays including The Beagles, Black Labbath and The Flea Fighters and a special guest appearance by that dog that used to run up the road at the beginning of Coronation Street. There’s loads of stuff here for your dog, including probably the most dogs’ arses it’s ever seen in its life. Perfect for sniffing.
MCWFC vs. Birmingham City Ladies
Sunday 3rd December
I’m sure there’s loads of people out there who will slag off women’s football saying it’s rubbish and it’s not proper football and a load of other stupid, ridiculous things that are complete pig-swill. To me though, it doesn’t matter what sex you are – I would still struggle to grasp even the smallest amount of ambivalence when it comes to kicking a ball around a field in front of a gang of people chanting songs and eating pies. The Man City Women’s footy team are taking on Birmingham City Ladies this Sunday though, so if you fancy watching – head on down to the Etihad. Tickets are proper cheap and they promise to have a whole host of fun activities going on before the match and during half time.
Around the World in 80 Days
Starts Tuesday 5th December
Fresh from making big bags of delicious crisps, Phileas Fogg is heading to the Lowry to try and circumnavigate the world in a stupid balloon for a bet with one of his mates. The only problem with his endeavour is that he has to do it in only 80 days. This is obviously easy nowadays, what with them big jumbo jets knocking around, but in Victorian times, it was a bit more difficult. Which is a shame really because he probably won’t have time to stop off in Russia to drink some vodka and wrestle a bear, swing by Australia to drink a Fosters and wrestle a tarantula, and pull up in the US to drink a bourbon and wrestle Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase.