I'm sure you're all enjoying not drinking booze, going to the gym and only eating vegan food. I have decided to drink more Buckfast, sack off the gym and eat full slabs of gammon all to myself in bed while watching old episodes of Galaxy High. If you want a break from all this silly new year, new me malarkey - check these out...
Elite Speed Dating @ Sakana
Friday 5th January
If you’ve ever met or seen me, I don’t think it would come as a no surprise to learn that I’ve never been speed dating and probably never will. Not only do I have the face that only a mother could love, (and even she does it begrudgingly), but it takes many long, arduous hours to at least be able to tolerate my personality. But if you’re single, and you can hold an interesting conversation for a couple of minutes at a time, and you’re looking for a bit of love – Elite Speed Dating can probably help. To be fair it sounds like a right bloody laugh, even if you don’t meet anyone you’re interested in, you can have a good time trying.
The Morrissey Smiths Disco @ The Star and Garter
Friday 5th January, 9pm
It’s the first Friday of the month so that of course means it’s time to drudge on over to the Star and Garter, through the wind and the rain and the sleet and the thunder and lightning to a warm oasis of The Smiths, letting yourself get wrapped up in Morrissey’s warm tones and undulating lyrics, while surrounded by around a thousand sweaty people all getting pissed and snogging. It’s a brilliant night, it’s legendary and it’s always busy – so get there early please. It’s a fiver on the door and you can’t get any tickets in advance.
£5 at the door (no advance tickets)
The Star and Garter, 18-20 Fairfield Street, M1 2QF
Arenacross @ Manchester Arena
Saturday 6th January
So what we’re looking at here is a bunch of people, both men and women, children and probably the odd geriatric and what they’ve decided to do with their lives is to put on some leather astronauts clothes, a Shredder helmet and ride around on a big bike doing flips and shit in front of an audience of people presumably wearing big foam hands and eating overpriced hot dogs. Fair play to them – it looks bloody brilliant, and the constant fear at the back of your mind that someone is going to go flying off like Evel Knievel wearing a jet pack – fly into a billboard head first and explode, makes it all the more exciting. Fun for all the family indeed.
David Bowie’s Birthday Party @ Gorilla – Manchester
Saturday 6th January
Even though he bit the dust back in 2016, along with pretty much everyone else who ever appeared on telly, David Bowie is still just as influential as he always was – some would say even more now that he’s gone on an eternal Space Odyssey of his own. I like to call it the Van Gogh Effect. Anyway, it would have been his birthday this week and instead of buying Iman a big cake where a big-titted woman jumps out like in Under Siege, Gorilla are celebrating with a night of all of his belting hits, as well as a few other favourites to mix things up a bit. Tickets are only a fiver and they will definitely play Young Americans which is worth the entrance alone.
MCR Talks: 10 Commandments of Entrepreneurship
Monday 8th January
Perhaps you’re a fan of Dragons Den or you fancy yourself as the new James Dyson, but being an Entrepreneur is definitely still pretty popular since it’s heyday in the 80’s when every bell end with a Filofax and some Egg Shell business cards was trying their hand at business. Giving his 10 Commandments of Entrepreneurship will be Jonathan Straight, who managed to wrangle himself some bunce out of some fat cats after starting up a waste and recycling containers business. Rock and Roll indeed. I’m sure he managed to buy himself a Porsche or a golden toilet out of it though, which I’m sure he will also revel in telling you about – while giving you tips on how to get your own at this MCR Talk.
Cornetto Trilogy Quiz @ The Abel Heywood
Wednesday 10th January
Simon Pegg, Edgar Wright and Nick Frost, bored with pissing about filming Spaced, decided to make the brilliant Shaun of the Dead and the Cornetto Trilogy was born. Followed by Hot Fuzz and The World’s End, the trilogy is, in my humble opinion, probably one of the best ever, and each film manages to represent us Brits perfectly in them. Everything is in there – mostly revolving around having a drink in the pub while waiting for the whole thing to blow over. The Quizzly Bears are hosting a Cornetto Trilogy Quiz at The Abel Heywood this week, so if you fancy yourself as a bit of an expert – get down and win some prizes.
The Simon and Garfunkel Story @ Opera House
Thursday 11th January
It’s time to dust off that roll-neck sweater, hitch those chinos as high as they can go, get some rollers in your hair and sing forlornly into the distance – it’s Simon & Garfunkel time! The winners of countless awards, this production tells the story of these two musical legends and will naturally include many of their greatest tunes you remember from when your girlfriend dumped you including Bridge Over Troubled Water, Mrs. Robinson and Stay Another Day.