Junkyard Golf Club: How to win at Gary (every time)

If there could only be one course at Junkyard Golf Club which epitomises the whole experience it would be Gary. It is literally a junkyard of old car parts, petrol pumps, tires, paint and whatever someone has found lying around in the park at the end of their road.

Spread over nine holes and two floors, Gary can be a rather tricky customer should you want to impress some friends or a potential ‘lover’. So, I went down, tried it for myself and took some drawings in order to give you the inside track and the best tips on how to smash it.

Hole 1 – On It Like A Car Bonnet – 3 Par
Upon entrance to the course you’ll be immediately faced with a clapped out old mini, a slide and a sense of wonder of where to start and what to do. First of all, get some of your drink down you and get sat in the mini for the obligatory selfie picture. Now climb up on top of the car and bang the ball down the slide. There aren’t really any specific tricks for this one – just hit and hope. Don’t forget to slide down the slide on your way out.

Difficulty – 3/5

Hole 2 – Drive Me Crazy – 4 Par
Your first 4 par’er but this one isn’t as difficult as that might suggest. It consists of a long corridor, with a ramp directly in front of the tee off spot. Hit the ball as hard and as straight as you can and it will coast towards the Mercedes Benz jeep at the end. If you can manage to get the ball to hit the hanging target above the mirror, every one of your mates needs to buy you a shot.

Difficulty – 2/5

Hole 3 – Vinnie ‘Van’ Gogh – 3 Par
A quick trip up the steps and the first thing you’ll notice is a bar. Grab yourself a lovely drink because the next 3 holes are fiendishly difficult. Hole 3 takes place in a 3-wheeled van, with you knocking the ball inside, only for it to pop out of a hatch at the side. Due to the placement of 2 paint buckets, and the location of the side hatch, it’s impossible to get a hole-in-one on this. Or is it?! If you fancy living dangerously, it’s possible to try and squeeze the ball through a tiny gap between the car and an oil barrel. Do this and you’re laughing.

Difficulty – 4/5

Hole 4 – You Used To Call Me On My Shell Phone – 2 Par
Bit of an easy one this, once you get the ball up the ramp – there’s not really any way you can miss. Just hit the ball as hard as possible (without knocking someone out) and the ball will head up the back of the car and either into the little hole, or along the top down onto the green. Then it’s just a simple knock in.

Difficulty – 2/5

Hole 5 – Car Partful Dodger – 3 Par
A random one this which you can easily beat if you follow one simple rule. There are 3 ‘exhausts’ in which you ball can come out of, with the best one at the far end directly banging the ball into the hole every time. To get to this far exhaust, the trick is simple; hit the ball along the left side of the pipe, as hard as you can. The ball will hug the rim and carry along right to the end and into the correct exhaust. You’re going to have to be mightily unlucky not to get a hole-in-one with this tekkers.

Difficulty – 3/5

Hole 6 – Tyre-some Fury – 3 Par
I personally watched a couple spend 15 minutes on this hole and they still couldn’t beat it. It’s a tricky sod if you don’t know what you’re doing, and very annoying if you do. Placing your ball on the tee, you have two options available to you – one to the left which is the ‘easy’ option, or straight ahead – the ‘hard’ one. The hard one involves utilising centrifugal forces to get the ball up and over the loop-the-loop tyre, something which takes the perfect level of speed and power. Alternatively, the ‘easy’ option on the left requires a punt up the slope and back down again. My tip – do the loop-the-loop every time.

Difficulty – 5/5

Hole 7 – My Humps – 3 Par
An easy one if you’re not a one-handed, one-armed idiot. If you are, have another drink and try to forget about your shit life. My Humps is the most ‘classic’ crazy golf hole you’ll probably find in the whole building, with a rectangle area festooned with wooden shapes that you need to navigate your ball around. To get a hole in one you’ll need to hit straighter than a teacher’s ruler – right down the middle. If you’re not that good – slide along the edges for some easy, easy winning.

Difficulty – 2/5

Hole 8 – Double Drop – 4 Par
An absolute bugger this one and probably the most difficult hole on the course. Sure, it looks proper easy, just hit the ball down the ramp and you’re going to end up at the bottom and in the hole, right? Wrong. Basically – golf balls can’t go around corners so you end up having to hit the ball after every single wall you hit (which will be a lot). It’s even worse when you get the bottom of the ramp – there’s a couple of wrong angled triangle blocks that will do your head in. Here’s my tip/cheat – try and chip the ball over the edge straight away and into the green at the bottom – ignore the ramp.

Difficulty – 5/5

Hole 9 – Baby’s Got The Benz – 3 Par
Right so you’ve got a choice of 5 coloured holes, each one leading to a little ramp onto the green. After many, many tests I’ve found the top left corner slot to be the best (number 2 on the diagram). No matter how fast your ball is going, you’ll always get proper close to the hole, if not in. The others, although they look like good prospects, come nowhere near to the accuracy of number 2 – so aim for that every time. Once your ball goes in, tot the scores up, finish your drink and you’re done. Loser buys the cocktails.

Difficulty – 3/5

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