Junkyard Golf Club: How to win at Bozo (every time)

Fresh from smashing Gary and showing all your mates how it's truly done, we're now moving onto Bozo, the second and probably the most difficult course at Junkyard Golf Club.

Not only is this bugger difficult but it may also take a rather long time. Luckily there’s a great little ‘break’ area halfway round with a bar where you can stock up on the drink and food. Here’s the best tips and tricks on winning this proper tricky course…

Hole 1 – Downward Spiral – 4 Par
We’re starting off and we’re looking at a pretty difficult one already, especially if you’re lacking in any real upper body strength like me. If your arms look like strings of spaghetti you’re going to have to muster up all of your strength to get the ball up the ramp and safely down the other side. Once it’s up it should have more than enough momentum to make it’s way through the spiral and no matter what, the ball is going to hit the side. Once out of the spiral it should just be a nice easy tap into the hole.

Difficulty – 3/5

Hole 2 – A Horse With No Game – 3 Par
Located within a creepy old carousel, complete with the most disturbing kangaroo you’re ever going to see, A Horse with no Game is rather simple – you can either send the ball around the hill in the middle or you can try and send it right over the top. My advice – ignore the sides – go hard and fast over the top of the peak and you’ll be right at the hole in not time. There are too many obstacles around the sides – you’re just going to end up looking like a knob if you go that way.

Difficulty – 1/5

Hole 3 – Ferris Ballers Play Off – 4 Par
So you’ve got a ferris wheel of skulls. Brilliant. Not only that but on first inspection you’re going to have to get the ball actually inside one of the skulls as the wheel rotates. I’m not going to lie to you – it’s impossible. Using science though I worked out how to get your ball in. When a skull hits the side of the wheel and starts swinging, immediately hit your ball – you’ll find that you’ll get it in the skull in front around 50% of the time. Any other time and you’re going to miss. If you don’t feel like pissing about with the wheel, you can just hit the ball to your immediate right from the start and attempt to hit it up the ramp instead.

Difficulty – 4/5 

Hole 4 – You Gonna Die Clown – 3 Par
Featuring the very clown that this course is named after, You Gonna Die Clown is not going to be your favourite if you are scared of clowns – so it’s probably just an idea to rush through this one as fast as possible. The idea is to hit the ball into Bozo’s mouth (aim for the missing tooth) and it will then come out of the other side. As long as you get enough momentum on the ball up his tongue and hit it through the gap, it will come out the other side very close to the hole. Easy.

Difficulty – 2/5

Hole 5 – Real Buzz Kill – 4 Par
This one is the most difficult hole in the entire course, perhaps even the whole building, mostly because there is a lot of room for error and if you fuck it up, you’re back to square one. As the ball travels up the ramp you must squeeze it through the narrow gap in the middle, if you don’t – it’s going to go through a little hole either side and come out at the start again. If you manage to do this one quickly, well done. If you don’t – you’re going to get angry trust me.

Difficulty – 5/5

BREAK
So now that you’ve done the hard bit, have yourself a little break here at the bar area. There’s seats, booze and food available so it’s always good to have a bit of a refresh. There’s also a brilliant old bumper car that you can sit in and get your mates to take a picture – put it on Snapchat or something – that’s what you lot like to do nowadays innit?!

Hole 6 – Hall Of Shattered Dreams – 2 Par
Pretty much a hall of mirrors for your golf ball, the Hall of Shattered Dreams is pretty much nigh on impossible to complete to the necessary par – which is ridiculously low considering the layout of the thing. You can see a bird’s eye view of the thing above – my advice – hit the ball hard and hit it at an angle so you can get around the corners – otherwise you’ll be here for bloody days.

Difficulty – 4/5

Hole 7 – Cannon Baller – 3 Par
This is always a fun one to challenge your mates to – anyone who can actually manages to hit the bloke on the target gets a pint. It’s not as easy as it looks. A relatively simple hole nonetheless, just make sure you’ve got enough power as you slam it into the cannon, otherwise it’s just going to come back out again and you’re going to look a knob. Once through the cannon it should be a nice tap in from there. If you’re feeling frisky, you can also try and chip the ball straight into the hole through the door on the left – ignoring the cannon altogether. For professionals only that one.

Difficulty – 2/5

Hole 8 – Nicholas Cage-d – 4 Par
The trick with this one is where you aim the ball as it goes up the ramp. Before starting, have a look at the placement of the hole and aim the ball as close to that side as possible. Then when you get it up the ramp, it should come out the other side relatively close to the hole, if not straight in.

Difficulty – 1/5

Hole 9 – Clown & Out – Par 3
Right, last one this and it’s a bit weird because its got a coffin in it and a pair of shoes sticking out. The hole is also very inconveniently located right at the back on a hill that is a bugger to get up. The problem is that you need to ensure that you don’t over hit the ball here, otherwise it will just roll down the other side. My advice is to hit the ball first down one of the sides so you’re on the back wall, and then try and hit it up with slope and into the hole on your second. Definitely don’t try squeezing through the gap between the trainers – it’s pretty much impossible.

Difficulty – 4/5

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