If you’re sick and tired of just going out and feeding your fat face or getting so sloshed that you end up spewing your guts up in the back of an Uber and losing your five-star rating, then check out the following list of stuff to do in Manchester this week.
Meat Pie Sausage Roll
Starts Friday 3rd March
This may initially seem like a very niche choice from an idiot from Oldham. But basically it’s a brand new musical set against Oldham Athletics’ most successful and famous season (90/91) when they managed to get to Wembley twice. But it’s not really about football to be fair; it’s a brilliant story about family, loyalty, mates and deciding exactly what is truly important in the world. An Oldham Coliseum Theatre production, head on down to catch a truly memorable bit of local theatre, as well as experiencing the fantastic Victorian Coliseum itself.
Oldham Coliseum, Fairbottom St, Oldham OL1 3SW
Opens Saturday 4th March
If you’re one of those people who still isn’t over the Burger Craze of Manchester 2013™, then Five Guys are finally arriving in the city centre this weekend so you don’t have to bother trekking all the way to Ashton any longer. Be sure to expect plenty of lovely, meaty burgers that you can customize to within an inch of their life, a million soft drinks choices and plenty of queues. They open their doors to the masses on Saturday at 11am, so you should probably start queuing around 10ish. Or you could just have a Whopper.
Five Guys, Halle Square, Market St, Manchester M4 3AQ
Tattoo Tea Party
Saturday 4th & Sunday 5th March
Located down at Event City near the Trafford Centre, the Tattoo Tea Party is an annual event with over 350 tattoo artists showing off their designs and getting their needles stuck right in. Now in its sixth year, you can expect not just enough tattoos and piercing to make Affleck’s look like a convent, but also free fun fair rides, carnival acts, body painting, motor bikes and custom cars. If you don’t like the look of blood; perhaps give this one a miss. Oh and if you see my mate Ben Almond there – give him a kiss from me – or from you if you’re fit.
Saturday or Sunday advance – £16 (+ £1.85 booking fee)
Weekend Ticket – £30 (+ £3.25 booking fee)
Event City, Phoenix Way, Stretford, Manchester M41 7TB
Girls on Film Depeche Mode Special
Saturday 4th March 2017
If you’re into top 80’s tunes, specifically those from synth-pop-electro legends Depeche Mode then you’re in for a bloody treat on Saturday night. Girls on Film is held at the Deaf Institute and offers a fantastic night filled with top music, resident makeup artists and more confetti than they used at Kylie and Jason’s wedding. Everyone knows that Enjoy the Silence is not only the best Depeche Mode song ever, but also the best song of anyone ever, so if you’re a fan of craft – this is where you’re going to find it.
10:00pm til 3:00am (last entry 1:00am)
Tickets £4.50 advance
Deaf institute, 135 Grosvenor St, Manchester M1 7HE
Arcade Club at National Football Museum
Ends on Sunday 5th March
This weekend is your last chance to visit the Arcade Club at the National Football Museum, because once it’s gone, I doubt it’s going to bother coming back. There’s over 50 arcade games available to play (apparently Europe’s largest collection) including Pacman, Virtua Striker and Space Invaders. They’ve also got Q*Bert which if you can play without getting angry and kicking a child, then you’re a better man than me. They’re all free to play, all you have to do is pay the £5 entrance fee. The Museum is open from 10am. Enjoy.
Arcade Club, National Football Museum, Urbis Building, Cathedral Gardens, Todd St, City Centre, Manchester M4 3BG
50% off Junkyard Golf
Monday 6th & Tuesday 7th March
If you’re a student and you want to get out of your manky house; with all the plates piled up in the sink, a mattress on the front lawn and that sour cream stain on the sofa then head on down to Junkyard Golf on Monday or Tuesday for 50% off. There’s two courses of 9 holes so you can either take a jaunt around a tropical paradise or a nostalgic trip to a small town night club from the 90’s… all while holding a cocktail in your hand.
Mon-Wed, 4pm – midnight
Thu, 2pm – midnight
50% off Mon & Tue with valid student ID
Junkyard Golf, Piccadilly Place, 6 Piccadilly, Manchester, M1 3BN.
Gein’s Family Giftshop’s Bargain Basement Comedy Night
Monday 6th March
Kosmonaut’s monthly comedy night arrives this Monday, and you’re in for a fucking strange, odd, but very funny experience. It’s been described as a “fluid, dark sketch show…featuring copious masturbation, dead grans and bestiality” which is pretty much what everyone wants from comedy isn’t it?! Probably a good idea not to bring your parents, this Mancunian trio offer a great show and a fantastic night and it’s all for free. Brilliant.
From 8pm til 11pm
Kosmonaut, 10 Tariff St, Manchester M1 2FF