Things to do in Manchester this week: 7th – 13th September 2018

I've had a terrible week of rushing around the city with my head up my arse, looking like an idiot in a big meeting and being shackled to my computer for so long that Skynet has started chatting me up on Skype.

I’m tired – let’s get this over with…

An Evening with Shaun Ryder
Friday 7th September
I’m pretty sure that Shaun Ryder has a shit ton of top stories to tell, although whether he can actually remember them is another matter entirely. Nah, I’m sure he will be able to remember all of the proper mental stuff and I can only assume that there was loads of shit going on during the Happy Mondays days including drugs, KitKats and those little toys that you used to find in a box of Frosties. This evening will also give you a chance to ask the man himself some questions including ‘How are you pal?’ and ‘Did you rob my house in February 1991?’

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An Introduction to Dry Stone Walling
Saturday 8th September
There was a wealth of activities happening this week and I’ve decided to ignore them all and concentrate on something much more interesting. That ‘Watching Paint Dry Workshop’ will have to wait, as will the ‘Experience Grass Growing Masterclass’ because Tatton Park are putting on ‘An Introduction to Dry Stone Walling’ – a one-day course which will help you learn how to do some proper stone walling to keep cows, sheep and foxes out of your garden. I’m not sure who’s going to go to this – I was always under the impression that farmers teach their children dry stone walling just after they learn how to shit in a potty, but maybe some people fell through the cracks.

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The Bloody Big Brunch
Saturday 8th September
I was speaking to a lovely fella last night who helped organise this and it sounds like a bloody great ‘thing to do’ and as such has ended up on this list alongside making dry stone walls and throwing black puddings. It’s called the ‘Bloody’ Big Brunch because the event aims to tackle period poverty, which is a ridiculous thing to be occurring in the 21st Century. Stacy Solomon will be there- she’s that girl who has a really good voice but only when she sings. Anyway, it sounds like a great event so if you’re at home twiddling your thumbs – tuck in.

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Wax: Funk Disco Boogie Soul – 2nd Birthday @ Soup Kitchen
Saturday 8th September
This will be a brilliant night. I promise. Check out the following Spotify playlist if you don’t believe me…

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Sankeys: The Return to Manchester
Saturday 8th September
I’m pretty sure that most people in Manchester have a story about being in or revolving around Sankeys. The place was a city institution when it was here and since its closure a few years back, the youth of today are seriously missing out on some cracking anecdotes. Mine involved a gang of foreign students, a Sharpie pen and more booze than in Phil Mitchell’s toilet cistern. Well they’re back for one night only – over at Victoria Warehouse (or O2 Victoria Warehouse I believe) with Darius Syrossian hitting the decks among many more.

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Emergency Services Day at Heaton Park
Sunday 9th September
Anyone who works in the emergency services and needs to respond to mostly complete idiots is an absolute hero in my eyes. Or heroine of course. Imagine getting a call as a paramedic and then arriving at the scene to see some bloke with his innards coming out of his arse – that kind of stuff you can’t be unseen. But this lot do it day-in, day-out and they definitely deserve a ‘Day’. Said day is this Sunday and so down at Heaton Park you can get involved with the lot – learning some skills, bantering and generally just giving them little cuddles for a job well done. It’s down near the Boating Lake.

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Vworp – A Doctor Who thing @ The Printworks
Sunday 9th September
It might have a bit of a silly name which sounds like the noise a Doctor Who monster would say if it stood on some Lego, but this convention down at The Printworks this Sunday should be pretty decent. Not only will there be loads of proper Who baddies like Daleks, Cybermen and some sort of space slug, they will also be graced with some rather impressive guests. You can expect to see past Doctors including Peter Davison, Colin Baker and even the legend that is Paul McGann – star of Withnail & I, Alien 3 and of course – Holby City. There will also be that little annoying shit K-9 flying about – if you see him – give him a kick from me please.

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World Black Pudding Throwing Championships
Sunday 9th September
This is it people. The biggest event of the year. The one you’ve all been waiting for – the World Black Pudding Throwing Championships in Ramsbottom. Bloody brilliant. This thing started back in the 80’s and the point of it is to throw a black pudding at a pile of Yorkshire Puddings that are perched on a 20ft high plinth in the middle of the town. As if that wasn’t fun enough they’ll also be putting on loads of food, booze and general family fun-ness. If you manage to win the whole thing you will be whisked off to America where you will go to compete in the Universe Black Pudding Throwing Championships against a heavy set Texan man and an Inuit with one arm.

 

Raiders of the Lost Ark: In Concert
Sunday 9th September
I defy anyone in the world to tell me that Raiders of the Lost Ark isn’t the best film ever made. It’s pretty much perfect and the bit where Indy chases after the Ark of the Covenant on a horse and manages to fuck up 4 Nazi trucks, 2 jeeps and an Arabian market is pure cinematic genius. As you’d expect from a Spielberg movie, the soundtrack was orchestrated by the legend that is John Williams so this showing at the Bridgewater Hall with a live orchestra looks set to be a real treat for everyone. If you see a little monkey in a fez though – don’t trust the little shit – he’s a filthy Nazi.

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