There’s too many lazy people knocking about – come on, where are the events? Where’s all the wrestling matches? Well you’re going to have to put up with this lot until next week when hopefully there’ll be more going on…
Markets at Sadler’s Yard
Saturday 9th June
Everyone loves a good market, be it the one off Eastenders, that one out of Aladdin or just the nice lovely local one at Sadler’s Yard this Saturday. Where is Sadler’s Yard I hear you ask. Well it’s that little square slap bang in the middle of all the Co-op buildings near Shudehill – where The Pilcrow Pub is. Saturday will see a bunch of people turn up with local produce, handmade gifts, records, street food and most importantly – beers. The theme for this market is ‘Retro Revival’ so make sure you turn up wearing some flares, eating a prawn cocktail while drinking a warm Pina Colada with half a rainforest stuck in it. I’m trying to be funny – it’s not working. I’ll let you get on.
Lapsed Clubber Audio Map at The People’s History Museum
Saturday 8th June
This is a project that is part of the 2018 Manchester Histories Festival and is basically a map of all the places that people used to go out around the city complete with little stories and anecdotes about what happened to them while there. It’s a trip down memory lane, a lane which features lots of snogging, vomiting, dancing, chugging, gurning and the occasional broken bone. I wonder if anyone will mention the time that bloke got kicked out of Millionaire’s club and then decided he wanted to go and get his Ford Fiesta and drive it through the front door as revenge? I’m sure there will be plenty of that, and many more zingers to catch up on. This launch features a bit of a Q&A with the people who’ve made it too.
Parklife + Afterparties
Saturday 8th & Sunday 9th June
As if the imminent influx of bucket hats, wellies and headbands weren’t enough of a giveaway for you – I’ll tell you now – it’s Parklife down at Heaton park this weekend and it looks to be the biggest and best yet. The sun will be shining and there’ll be a shit load of people on stage singing or messing about with iTunes – all culminating in the biggest moment of the two days – the Piccadilly Rats playing on the main stage. Yep, you can forget all about loud-mouthed Manc overlord Liam Gallagher or stupid hat wearing NERD, the real stars of Parklife 2018 will be them boys, tops off, police helmets on, dancing and singing on stage like it’s a Saturday morning in the gardens. I’ll see you there on the front row.
This Is Elvis at Palace Theatre
From Monday 11th June
Even though he definitely died on the toilet, there’s people out there who actually believe that Elvis is still alive and knocking about in a trailer park somewhere growing old and shagging grannies. This all stems from the urban myth that at the height of his fame he found a look-a-like impersonator, paid him to take his place and so it was the impersonator who snuffed it while eating a drug riddled peanut butter and bacon sandwich and not the real one. Either way, if this is true then we’ve all been enjoying the work of an impersonator for years anyway, so why not just get involved when one comes to town? This Is Elvis is exactly what you’d expect it to be – a trip through the King’s many eras, from hip-shaking Heartbreak Hotel 50’s Elvis, right up to bloated, sweating post ‘68 Comeback Special Elvis.
Junkyard Golf & Gypsy Shrine
Tuesday 12th June
As a fully heterosexual, butch man I can’t say the idea of glitter fills me with much enthusiasm but many people seem to enjoy its shiny charms and so this one is for you. Junkyard Golf over at First Street have invited glitter legends Gypsy Shrine down to plaster people’s heads with the stuff, as well as creating some glitter-inspired cocktails especially for the night. So, alongside the usual crazy golf-ness, there’ll be a load of glitter flying about which you’ll continue to find in some very unlikely places for weeks afterwards, as well as drinks, a live DJ and probably loads of flashing lights and neon. As long as nobody gets the terrible ‘glitter beard’ I will heartily condone this activity.
War Horse at The Lowry
Starts Wednesday 13th June
The first I ever heard about War Horse was when I watched the trailer for the Steven Spielberg movie that is apparently based off this theatre production. To be honest it looked pretty mental – it looked like it was about a horse fighting in World War One, running through No Man’s Land and giving the old Bosch a bloody good kicking. Quite how a horse has either the dexterity or the foreknowledge to even pick a side in the war I’ll never know, but actually watching the thing might clear things up a little bit. The theatre production has won about a million awards and features a sort of animatronic horse thing that requires 4 people to operate – definitely much better than getting a panto horse involved. It opens on Wednesday for a couple of weeks at The Lowry.
World Cup 2018
Thursday 14th June
Oh look, it’s the World Cup. How exciting. I’m so thrilled that this particular event and/or occasion has arrived. Oh look – England are in it too which means that Tesco will now be flogging 70% of their goods with a St George’s flag on it and grown men will actually cry and have a tantrum when we get battered by Panama FC. The whole tournament kicks off this Thursday 14th June with a huge clash of the titans – Russia (the hosts) versus Saudi Arabia. You won’t want to miss that one. Pretty much everywhere in the city is showing the games including Black Dog Ballroom NWS, Bunny Jacksons, Dive NQ and every sports pub across the land.
71p Hamburgers at Hard Rock
Thursday 14th June
To commemorate the opening of the first Hard Rock Cafe in 1971, they’re going to be offering their Original Burger for only 71p between 11am and 12pm this coming Thursday. It’s not just some snide little burger either, it’s got bacon on it, as well as cheese, a big fried onion ring and a bit of greenery – certainly bigger and better than a Maccies burger anyway. For 71p you can’t complain either – you can’t get shit all for 71p nowadays. I was in my local shop in Stretford the other day and I got charged 80p for a Twix. A Twix. That’s 40p per finger. When I was a lad they were only about 29p and they had loads of additives and preservatives and E numbers so they tasted much better too. Lesson learned – don’t buy a Twix anymore.