Okay I get it. You go to the gym. Well done on buying a 10 litre tub of chocolate flavoured protein powder that’s just going to sit in the cupboard under your sink after about 2 months on the weights. Well done on the selfie you just took of your muscles or your arse in the mirror. Well done nerd. Me on the other hand, am sitting on my sofa, belly out, watching Wrestlemania and I want some food without leaving the comfort of my own house. In the past that would mean a sweaty Chinese from the chippy round the corner or a dodgy pizza from the kebab shop that you spewed up in on Saturday night. Not anymore. Deliveroo and Uber Eats are doing a roaring trade in Manchester at the moment, delivering restaurant quality food straight to your fat face. Here’s some of the best places to order from.
Everyone seemingly adores Archie’s – so much in fact that they have a slew of celebrity endorsements, and have seen themselves having to expand over and over again to keep up with the demand for their lovely burgers and mental milkshakes. You can expect burgers stuffed with pretty much anything you can think of, wraps, wings and their brilliant shakes including my favourite the ‘Holly-Oaks’ (Oreos, peanut butter and whipped cream topped with crushed Oreos).
I’ve written about this place before, and how they manage to offer fantastically authentic Thai food at a very reasonable price, while still operating out of a supermarket. If you’re craving their fantastic food, but can’t be bothered with a trek to China Town; get Deliveroo to sort you out. If you ask nicely they might even be able to pick you up a few things from the market too. A couple of onions perhaps. Or some Hello Panda biscuits. Or maybe not.
Cane & Grain
I was once lucky enough to have a surprise 30th birthday party at Cane and Grain. It was brilliant. A load of my family and friends were there, I had loads of their mega strong cocktails bought for me and as I entered, the Star Wars music came on. My main memory of the day though is when they brought the ribs out – everyone stopped paying attention to me on my special day and were inexplicably attracted to the lovely juicy, sticky piles of meat that Cane and Grain specialise in. Well, now you can have them delivered to your house. Just don’t drop any on your sofa.
So although the traditional pizza delivery service has been going since old Giuseppe Don Carlos stepped out of his pizzeria in Little Italy in New York in 1904, crossed the road, walked 2 blocks to Bobetto Von Erkenswine’s house and delivered him a tasty Margarita – Crazy Pedro’s is no normal pizza. Although I made that story up, what’s not made up is that Pedro’s offer pizzas packed with beer-soaked hotdogs, mini hamburgers, fried chicken and waffles and even gravy – so you’re sure to get something equally mental and delicious. They can also deliver a Kona Big Wave beer to you as well, which is worth the effort in itself.
I’m not sure my word is enough to recommend Bundobust on Piccadilly Gardens – not when they have the Guardian singing their praises left, right and centre. This Indian street food place is truly fantastic, with a wide selection of small, mostly vegetarian friendly dishes which you could spend about an hour looking through. Or you could just stop being an idiot and order it all. Oh, and by choosing to deliver to your pit, you get the added bonus of avoiding Piccadilly Gardens.
This place is pretty much a Manchester institution, and any mention of Chinese cuisine in the city usually ends up with Yang Sing out on top. Established for over 30 years, Yang Sing can sort you out if you’re craving some fantastically high quality Chinese food, which is a million times better than any of the greasy slop you’d usually get delivered to your house on a Friday night. Their selection of Dim Sum is pretty much unmatched throughout the city.
Specialising in the kind of Mexican food that you would find about 200 miles north of Tijuana – El Capo has a fantastic selection of Tex-Mex dishes which are available right to your front door. Although there are plenty of Mexican places in Manchester, with a few options on Deliveroo and Uber Eats, El Capo get a mention because they offer Tortas – which are Mexican sandwiches and are the best thing ever. Have a pop at their Chicken Torta with sweet potato slaw and you won’t be disappointed.
The Koffee Pot
This NQ institution has had a bit of an uplift recently, with their much publicised move to Oldham Street and a wider range of late night events and food options. If ordering a lovely bacon butty straight to your house isn’t enough, they also deliver Poutine – which anyone who went to school in Oldham will know as Chips, Cheese and Gravy, as well as a fantastic selection of melted sandwiches. Salt Beef. Try the Salt Beef right now.
To be fair I shouldn’t have the Armenian Taverna on this list. Not because the food is terrible. The opposite is true in fact. No, the reason it shouldn’t be on this list is because you just HAVE to visit it and experience one of the most unique and special restaurants in Manchester. Upon entering, it is like walking through a time warp to the early 70s, with the kind of decor you would find at your old, mad Nan’s house. It’s brilliant. As is the food, which is why it’s definitely worth a punt if you’re too lazy to visit. Get some Goulash, some Moussaka and a big platter of their mezze and you will be able to eat like a king for days.
Black Dog Ballroom
The home of black tiles, pool tables and seemingly endless weekend parties – Black Dog Ballroom can now be delivered directly to you. They’ve got a big selection of Pizzas, Burgers and Hot Dogs, which is pretty much what you would expect from somewhere influenced by New York. You can also get food delivered from Dog Bowl which includes a bit of Mexican in there as well – with Quesadillas and Tacos, as well as ribs.
Bouzouki by Night
I’d happily go on record as saying that Greek food is one of the best cuisines in the world. Obviously not the best – that mantle belongs to Indian. Not second, because everyone knows it’s hard to beat Mexican. But third, perhaps yeah. Maybe fourth. Top five definitely. So if you’re craving a bit of feta and salad and all that stuff, get involved with Bouzouki by Night. This place is pretty well known for its loud, raucous parties involving smashing plates and guzzling ouzo – so just recreate it at home instead. Obviously don’t use the commemorative Princess Diana plate that you got off your mum a few Christmases ago – she’d be truly upset if you broke that. Your mum that is. Not Diana.
If you’re looking for some authentic Caribbean cuisine, then you can’t go far wrong with Jerk Shack in the NQ. Their 24 hour marinated chicken is bloody lovely, as is their veggie friendly Jerk Jackfruit. I’m also a massive fan of plantain too; in fact I was once so addicted to plantain that I started mashing it up and using it for toothpaste, shower gel, and even to fill the cracks in the walls of my house. Luckily the plantain at Jerk Shack is so nice that the only thing you’ll be doing with it is scoffing it.
Hip Hop Chip Shop @ Kosmonaut
If you can batter it, these guys will give it a go and try and sell it. They specialise in trendy fish and chips though mostly. There’s veggie and vegan options too, with their Halloumi battered fingers with chips and minty mushy peas (£8.50) being a particular star. Oh yeah and Beer Battered Gherkins (£3.50)
Cabana Rio Street Food
To be perfectly fair, if you live in Rio de Janeiro, most food is going to be street food – especially if you live in the favelas. Although certain parts of Manchester may indeed be rougher than a favela in Brazil, you won’t need to brave the dark, dangerous outdoors in order to get some decent Brazilian food in your belly. Cabana Rio Street Food is located in the Corn Exchange, and for the standard delivery fee, you can get some tasty South American chicken straight to you. They even do great group meals and bundles, including the Cabana Carnival Bundle for Two (£35) which includes wings, shed loads of coconut chicken, pineapple rice and a couple of drinks, as well as a Carnival Cookbook.
You’ve invited a Tinder girl around to your house for a home cooked Italian meal. You finish work, cruise round Tesco to pick up the ingredients, and like Ainsley Harriot; you’re cooking up a feast within minutes. Problem is, you’re shit at cooking and unless you get some help, you’re definitely not getting your end away tonight. So it’s time to call in the professionals and get Vapiano on the case. Their authentic pasta, pizza and wines will be enough to claw back any decency you have left and hopefully get a few cheeky snogs out of it while you watch The Lion King under the covers.
Home Sweet Home
If you’ve got a mental hangover, or you’ve accidentally woken up after a night out and have no legs; there’s not much better than getting your breakfast delivered right to you without having to go get fresh air. You can continue to breathe your smelly farty-vomit air while a cyclist hurtles towards you loaded up with an All Day Breakfast (£7.77) or some Cheesy Hash potatoes smashed with burger meat, pickled, poached egg and baconnaise (£8)
Scene Indian Street Kitchen
There’s a bit of a bias to this list because I love Indian food more than any other food out there. When I went to India I would try and eat as much as possible, whether it was on a train, in a market or in a ditch – it all tasted amazing. Scene Indian Street Kitchen specialises in the kind of food you’d find in a market in Mumbai – and you can bring that all to your front room. Especially with their fantastic Samosa Chaat (£6.95).
These people sell burgers. You may have heard of them. If you walk in there with a stuffed moose head under your arm they will have a burger special featuring shredded antler within minutes. The waiting time for the restaurants are always 50 minutes – regardless of what time you show up, and so is the Deliveroo.
If you’re not satisfied with the luminous, sloppy curry that you ordered from your local kebab house last week, then you should have bloody ordered from Zouk. Specialising in unique, authentic Punjab food and flavours, it’s the up-market equivalent to your sloppy curry house – delivering quality ingredients and amazing flavours that you wouldn’t typically expect. I’m a fan of their Railway Curry (£9.95) – a Rajasthan lamb dish that will blow your bloody socks off.
You have to be especially lazy to get some beers delivered to your house. But do that you can. Brew Dog will strap as many of their brilliant craft beers to the back of a cyclist and send him (or her) straight to you house before your throat dries up faster than Ghandi’s tongue in a sand storm. Quite why you don’t just go to the bloody supermarket is beyond me.