This week I have mostly been eating pickled eggs and watching the World Cup - mostly because I've been skint and also because I'm a prized loser.
I really should get myself out of the house more but it’s just too easy to sit inside in your gruds and not have to worry about brushing your hair or getting sauce around your mouth. Nobody wants to end up like that though – so get yourself outdoors to one of these lovely things going on this week…
Friday 22nd – Sunday 24th June
At no point ever in the history of my 32 years on this Earth would I ever have thought that there would be a Transylvanian festival in Albert Square in Manchester. Not that there’s anything wrong with that – in fact it’s pretty brilliant, with loads of live music, weird dancing, beers, food and the obligatory family activities where kids piss about making potato stamps. It’s just very niche. Perhaps Manchester has a huge Transylvanian community that my ignorant brain just doesn’t know about? That’s probably the most likely explanation. Next week also sees Albert Square play host to a festival of people named Barry, while the weekend after sees SkegFest – a weekend celebrating the people, art and culture of Skegness. Get them in your diary.
Edify presents: Leftfield at Gorilla
Friday 22nd June
Borderline robots Leftfield have been programmed through a collaboration between Google and MapQuest to come on down to Manchester, Gorilla specifically, to kick off the Summer in binary style with a massive house and techno set. Established in 1989 by Neil Barnes and Paul Daley, Leftfield have been pioneers of the electronic scene, but they always like to throw in a bit of jazz, reggae and African too – just to keep you on your feet. The duo will be joined at Gorilla on Friday by Zutekh and 303 Liverpool resident Stuart Hodson.
Rocky Horror Picture Show
Saturday 23rd June
Another week and another classic movie is being played on the big screen at the Odeon. This one is a bit different than the usual shite 80’s film insofar that you can slip on some suspenders while watching this and nobody will laugh at you and call you a bender. For some reason Rocky Horror has become a cult classic and nobody exudes as much sheer sexuality as Tim Curry as Frank N. Furter, a big alien bloke-scientist thing who takes in Susan Sarandon and her fella and proceeds to seduce them with the aid of songs, Meatloaf, the guy out of the Crystal Maze and a rather shoddily constructed set. So, get yourself dolled up and warm up your singing voice – it starts at 6pm on Saturday.
ABBA Disco Wonderland at Joshua Brooks
Saturday 23rd June
I’ve never met another human being who doesn’t love ABBA. In fact, I’ve never met another carbon-based life form who doesn’t love ABBA. They’re the best. If you’re at a wedding and the bride has just been glassed by her bridesmaid – pop a bit of ABBA on. If you’re at a christening and the vicar dropped the baby – pop a bit of ABBA on. If you’re suicidal and you want to put your head in the oven for 35 minutes at gas mark 7 – pop a bit of ABBA on – the Scandinavian buggers solve everything. They’ll solve any blues you have this Saturday too because they’re having a big ABBA Disco Wonderland at Joshua Brooks and so there is going to be plenty of Dancing Queen, Waterloo and that one about the winner taking it all.
Wannabe – The Spice Girls Show
Saturday 23rd June
If there is only one reason to ever go to Wythenshawe in your life – this must be it. Forget their fantastic Quality Save and the brilliant Horticultural Centre – this show is what you’ve been waiting for. Wannabe is a show that aims to “recreate the era of Girl Power” so you can expect the likes of Sara Cox spewing into a bin, Bill Clinton getting a blowie and loads of platform trainers as the Spice Girls take to the stage to sing all of their most loved hits. There’s ‘Say You’ll Be There‘ which is a forgotten classic, as well as ‘Stop‘ which is probably the greatest pop song in the world ever. They’re also going to do a few of the girls’ solo hits so there should be a bit of ‘Mi Chico Latino‘ and that one that Scary Spice did and nobody remembers because it was shite.
The Play That Goes Wrong
From Monday 25th June
I’ve got a couple of mates who have seen this in London and say that it’s pretty funny so as it comes to Manchester I thought I’d recommend it so you can see for yourselves. I’m presuming that it’s a play where things go wrong, although I don’t want to be too presumptuous at this point. My mates have said that you’ll have a jolly good laugh and so if you don’t, let me know and I’ll kick the living shit out of them for lying. Here’s the blurb just to give you a bit of an idea of what to expect – “The Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society are putting on a 1920s murder mystery, but as the title suggests, everything that can go wrong… does! As the accident prone thesps battle on against all the odds to reach their final curtain call, hilarious results ensue!”
MCR Talks: The Science of The Sesh
Tuesday 26th June
There’s always talk about what’s going on with the War on Drugs at the moment, if it’s not little kids being refused their weed then we’re all watching Narcos and wondering just how many 1980’s noses all that coke disappeared up. I’m pretty sure everyone in the world has an opinion on drugs, and fair play to you whatever they are but with this new MCR Talk they are focusing not on the politics but on the science. Guy Jones is a science boffin who will examine and talk you through the effects of 4 of the most popular ‘party’ drugs in the UK – what they do to your body, your mind and your jawline – it’s all in there. Tickets are only £12 too!
None Deck Wednesday with Dennis Bovell
Wednesday 27th June
Each Wednesday at Electrik sees some poor sod carry their whole record collection down and play all of their favourite hits to a room full of people scoffing kebabs and supping weird foreign beers. It’s great and each month they have a super special guest – someone who is well known within the music industry or perhaps someone who was just on the telly. This week sees the former in the guise of Dennis Bovell – one of Britain’s biggest reggae legends and someone who has produced and worked with Marvin Gaye, the Thompson Twins, Dexy’s Midnight Runners and the best girl band in the world ever – Bananarama. He’s not bringing his records down this time though – he’s just bringing a microphone and an iPad – presumably to play music from and not to sit and piss about playing Candy Crush and trolling people on Facebook. It starts 8.30pm and should finish around 11 (ish).
Flight of the Conchords
Thursday 28th June
New Zealand’s biggest exports after Lamb, Lord of the Rings, Lucy Lawless, face tattoos, Jonah Lomu, kiwi fruit, Hobbits, Ringatu, Sir Edmund Hillary, pavlova, the Haka, Lorde and fat Russell Crowe, the Flight of the Conchords are heading to Manchester this week after a big delay due to a little broken little bone on Bret’s little arm a few months back. Now fully recovered, Bret and Jermaine will be banging out their top tunes about robots from the 80’s, leggy blondes and that one about having shite sex on a Wednesday night with your girlfriend because neither of you can be arsed. Get your tickets below.
Kiefer Sutherland at Albert Hall
Thursday 28th June
To be fair you’re probably not going to go down to this for the music. No, what you’re going to is to see a proper celebrity in the flesh and although his face is starting to resemble a handbag that’s been soaking in a puddle for 2 weeks – it’s still Kiefer fucking Sutherland. He’s probably the best thing about The Lost Boys (except Corey Feldman obviously) and I would definitely accept a bowl of worms off him any day of the week as long as he’s got that dirty bleach blonde hair. I don’t know what his music is about, perhaps it’s Country, perhaps it’s Indie, perhaps it’s Euro Trance with a side of racism – I don’t think it matters. What matters is getting in there afterwards, getting a picture with him and ideally – a cheeky little snog.