Okay so you’re probably not going to ever want to sit down in front of Citizen Kane during the lockdown – you want a laugh – something to lighten the mood and make you think – I’m glad I’m not THAT chump.
Well, there are a whole host of really rather terrible movies on your streaming services – motion pictures that are SO bad that they’ve gone all the way back round and are actually a lot of fun.
So grab a few tinnies, get that popcorn made and enjoy these absolute shit-shows…
Ahhh what a classic. The year was 1997 and some rich movie producer needed to launder some money that he’d found in a suitcase at the end of his bed (allegedly). So he wrangled up an ageing Jon Voight, who at the time would have performed in panto in Skegness for a tenner and a bottle of scotch, a rapper who was clearly off his face when the script came through the door and a lady called Jennifer Lopez, who wanted to further her career away from backing dancing for New Kids on the Block. So they all came together to make Anaconda – a films about a stupid, Game Boy Advance quality snake that has a taste for human flesh.
What’s better than being a normal, boring cop? Being a cop who is also a samurai of course! This movie feels like it has been written by a ten year old, and it’s all the better for it. It starts Matt Hannon – a bloke that looks like a cross between Pat Sharpe and Wolf from the Gladiators, and a man who has about the same level of acting ability as the contents of Wolf’s jock strap after a particularly gruelling game of ‘Hang Tough’. This film is jam-packed full of mistakes and bloopers – have a shot every time you notice one and you’ll be hammered within the first 15 minutes.
Manos The Hands of Fate
Contender for the worst movie of all time, Manos isn’t an easy watch at all. In fact, if you manage to make your whole way through it – following the plot points, and understanding what is actually going on – I will personally come around to your house when this lockdown is all over and present you with a crisp £20 note. It’s nonsensical, stupid and quite possibly one of the greatest movie achievements of all time. A three-legged dog could have done a better job at writing and editing this, and the people in it just seem oblivious to the fact they’re in a movie at all. Great stuff.
What is it about snakes? Something about their smooth bodies must just make it easier for CGI artists to render for super-low prices – and enough people are scared of them to probably make the film even slightly more frightening than your usual yarn. Well, you’re certainly not going to be scared while watching Hisss – a film about some bloke who tries to use snake blood as a cure for his brain cancer. Fucking idiot. Anyway, it’s not long until some sexy snake-woman turns up who wants to kill people but by then you’ll be too hammered to care. Even for Bollywood this is baaaaad.
Plan 9 From Outer Space
Another contender for the worst movie of all time, Plan 9 From Outer Space has achieved true cult status in the many years since it was made – even going so far as to be re-created in the film Ed Wood, directed by Tim Burton and starring Johnny Depp as the film’s eccentric director/producer/writer. You should definitely watch that one, as well as this original – if only for the sheer stupidity of it all. The plot makes zero sense and to this day I still don’t have a clue what’s going on – I believe it’s a ‘zombies in space’ film but there’s not much ‘space’ in it at all – so I don’t know. Grab some gin and find out for yourself.
Not only does this film feature one of the best movie posters of all time, it’s also ridiculously shit. Using footage from a 6 year old’s colouring book, you’re transported to 4038 where a bloke with a bad mullet is forced to fight a range of crappy aliens in the ‘arena’ in order to get back home to Earth. I think what they did here was find the place where Star Trek used to store their costumes and raided it – regardless of how bad, old and downright shoddy they looked. Think of this as a homage to Game of Death but with drunken bar fighting replacing the kung-fu.
A true ‘shit-but-good’ classic and a film that single-handedly started an entire offshoot of the movie industry. There are almost too many of these fucking things to list here but film execs just seem to throw two random things together, grab Tara Reid or Lindsey Lohan and get filming straight away. Sharknado is a work of art compared to some of these newer ones – with a tornado that has a bunch of sharks in it – just terrorising people. Eating them and that. ALMOST as good as Jaws.