It’s a Wonderful Life
George Bailey hates his life. He hates his life so much that he decides to top himself on Christmas Eve, just hours before he’s due to have dinner with his pretty fit wife and considerably annoying children. He hates his life because he’s always wanted to leave his crappy little town but somehow has ended up staying there his whole life. Poor George Bailey. If only there was some sort of angel knocking about who could show him what life would have been like if he’d never been born…
From Saturday 14th December @ HOME
Die Hard
The quintessential Christmas film featuring machine gun toting ‘East Europeans’ (who are of course German), giant teddy bears and even Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters II firing a rocket launcher at a Police Tank. Detective John McClane of the New York Police Department is about to have a very bad day as his wife’s Christmas party is hi-jacked by Alan Rickman looking to steal some bonds. I don’t even know what bonds are but he’s certainly keen to get his hands on them.
Thursday 5th December @ ODEON Great Northern
Die Hard 2
The continuation of the ‘wrong bloody place at the wrong bloody time’ life story of Detective John McClane of the New York Police Department. This time he’s going to pick up his wife from Washington DC airport at Christmas, only for all of the arriving planes to be held hostage in the air, circling and running out of fuel, while some General tries to free some South American bloke from prison. Something like that anyway – I’ve never really been able to follow the plot too closely.
Thursday 12th December @ ODEON Great Northern
Elf (Bottomless Cinema)
Probably king of the new school of Christmas movies, casting huge man child Will Ferrell as a human who’s been raised by Elves was a stroke of genius. The fact that Buddy the Elf is obsessed with anything Christmas related certainly appeals to most of the girls I know in my life, and his diet is not that too dissimilar either. James Caan might not be the best dad to have in the world, but I’m assuming he got off with Zoe Deschanel at some point so well done to Buddy.
Bottomless Cinema on Saturday 14th December
Also: Saturday 7th December @ Victoria Baths
Also: Tattu Winter Screenings (with 3 course meal) on Sunday 15th December
Bad Santa
The tale of a pissed up, miserable con man who dresses up like Santa in department stores with his little helper only to rob said department stores afterwards. There’s a lot of swearing, a lot of mucky sex and loads of laugh out loud comedy bits making this a bit of a dark horse in the Christmas movie stakes. The sequel is a bit rubbish but this first one is a slice of fried gold.
Saturday 7th December @ Everyman Theatre
Gremlins
Personally, my favourite Christmas film, the tale of a bunch of green little bastards taking over the idyllic town of Kingston Falls is pure Spielberg from start to finish (even though it was directed by Joe Dante). From one small, cute little pet called Gizmo spouts a whole army of slimy, evil little sods – all because a young lad couldn’t follow 3 simple rules. The rules are absolutely stupid mind, but he’s still an idiot for not following them.
Monday 9th December @ Everyman Theatre
The Holiday
The story of two women who swap locations over Christmas because something bad happens in their lives, The Holiday is another film I’ve not seen so am going to struggle with this description. Kate Winslet goes to American and meets and falls in love with Jack Black, while Cameron Diaz goes to England and meets and falls in love with Jude Law. I’m not entirely sure what it’s got to do with Christmas but it’s nice to see Jack Black get some attention. The screening is part of Tattu’s Winter Screenings and comes alongside a 3-course meal.
Sunday 15th December @ Tattu
Love Actually (Bottomless Cinema)
A collection of stories all about ‘love’ around Christmas. It’s lots of people’s favourite Christmas film but it’s not mine sorry. The whole film is ruined by Andrew Lincoln’s zip-up top that he wears in the scene when Keira Knightley finds out that he loves her. He’s a major creep, a terrible friend and his fashion choices are criminal. Ruins the film.
Bottomless Cinema on Saturday 21st December
Also: Sunday 8th December @ Victoria Baths
Also: Saturday 14th December @ Everyman Theatre
Also: Tattu Winter Screenings (with 3 course meal) on Sunday 15th December
Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
Okay so it’s not a Christmas film at all but it’s out this Christmas and everyone is excited to see what happens in the last chapter of the Skywalker saga. Well, okay – maybe not everyone. There’s a lot of people who have just given up on the whole thing and couldn’t care less. I personally reckon that they’re going to knock it out of the park – so am rather excited to watch it this Christmas. Apparently, C-3PO either dies or turns evil or both – which is worth the price of the ticket alone.
All cinemas from Wednesday 18th December
Home Alone (Bottomless Cinema)
The story of an abusive family, leaving their youngest son in their bafflingly massive house all alone over Christmas. It’s nothing like real life though, with him just crying in the front room for a few hours until his mum comes home, this story features two bungling thieves who want to rob the house and presumably beat the little kid into a bloody pulp. So, the young lad proceeds to torture and maim the two burglars – to our delight. Perfect.
Bottomless Cinema on Saturday 21st December
Also Friday 6th December @ Victoria Baths
Also: Tattu Winter Screenings (with 3 course meal) on Sunday 22nd December
Home Alone 2
The continuing struggles of Kevin McCallister and his idiotic parents who just love to leave him alone in random places. His first encounter with their incompetence resulted in him having to stave off the Wet Bandits in his suburban Chicago home, whereas this sequel sees him save Christmas by battering the Sticky Bandits in New York City. The screening is part of Tattu’s Winter Screenings and comes alongside a 3-course meal.
Sunday 22nd December @ Tattu
Frozen (Bottomless Sing-Along)
Let it go! Let it go! LET IT GO. Please. This year sees Frozen 2 hit the cinemas, but if you’r looking for a bit of a nostalgia hit watching the first one, you can catch this bottomless booze sing-a-long version so you can get hammered and shout at the screen like an idiot. It’s nowhere near anyone’s favourite Disney film but it’s certainly the most Christmas friendly.
Bottomless Sing-along on Saturday 14th December
How The Grinch Stole Christmas
Jim Carrey had to spend approximately 6 hours in make up every single day to play The Grinch, and it shows. His portrayal as a sinister, miserable creature-thing is so convincing that every single thing he says and does reflects perfectly how Jim was probably feeling at the time. Not to mention the fact that he would then have to act alongside not just a child, but also a dog. I’m surprised he’s managed to get out of his bad mood by now really. Good on him.
Saturday 7th December @ Victoria Baths
Christmas with the Kranks
Currently standing at a massive 5% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, Christmas at the Kranks has managed to completely bypass me up until now. The story of the Krank family (Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis) preparing for the return of their daughter over the Christmas period – this most likely results in all manner of hi-jinks and comedy. It’s from a John Grisham novel apparently which is absolutely mental. The screening is part of Tattu’s Winter Screenings and comes alongside a 3-course meal.
Sunday 22nd December @ Tattu
